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Monday, April 24, 2006

Returning from so far away...

I'm not sure where this blog will take me tonight. I'm not really in the mood to write anything, but since it has been more than two weeks since I've written a "real" entry, I felt obligated.

Lately, my world has felt like it's been flipped upside down. I can't pinpoint the moment of the turn or even what factors played into the flash point, and because of this, I haven't been quite sure how to make it right again. I've been moody and on edge. I can't catch a breath. I'm tired. Easily antagonized. I've been stuck in reverse and I'm sorry to all who have felt my misery.

I have tried to conceal my low spirits, but there are certain people in my life who cannot be fooled.

My children, especially, have a way of sensing my moods, even if I am three rooms away and my back is turned towards them. They put their feelers out and know when not to argue together. And when not to jump on one another. They know, without my asking, whether or not I need their company or if I'd rather be left alone. And, if needed, they walk away and do something that they hope will please me. Sometimes simply by cleaning up their toys, or other times, gently catering to their baby sister to keep her from fussing.

Tonight, after figuring out that I was low-spirited, Georgie held my ruthful face in his hands. The same hands that I usually know to be ruinous, heavy and grimy; tonight were slow-moving, warm and gentle. He seemed to be surveying my mood, reading my face. He pulled our foreheads together and sighed. Our eyes met and he smiled. A sympathetic, and sad smile that said, "I know where you are, and I desperately want to bring you back to me." He kissed me softly on my nose, and climbed into my lap. We stayed this way, quiet and motionless, for quite some time. I could feel his chest rise and fall against mine; I heard his breath, calm and steady; I felt his fingers running slowly over the back of my neck. Within minutes, my breathing pace matched his and I could feel my heart rate and blood pressure fall to a less threatening level. I was suddenly sedated and sleepy.

I wrapped my arms tight around him, closed my eyes, and thanked my lucky stars for all that I have been blessed with in life. My feelings of hopelessness quickly faded, and I felt foolish that I sometimes get myself so down when I have so much to be grateful for.

My children show me everything that is good in this world. They have an incontestable gift to put a smile on my heavy lips. They take away my heartache. They are the lights that guide me home.

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